Beside Herself?

 

Diane was overworked. Endless meetings, huge pressure to publish research and recent staff losses made life intolerable. Her Departmental Head had called her in for a ‘chat’.

    “Stop! Stop! Please, Professor Arnold! I just can’t cope with any more work.”

    “Sorry, Dr MacDonald. Should I ask Sally Hughes instead?”

    Sally was a new colleague with a severely disabled son and an unhelpful husband. Sally’s workload was already tough, burdened as she was with unfair demands often made of recent appointments. She was close to breaking point.

    “No – you just can’t ask her!”

    “Another thing, Dr MacDonald. The next Research Assessment deadline approaches. Only one published article from you so far, and according to our inhouse grading exercise, it fails to reach ‘international excellence.’ At least two more papers from you, please. Let me see.. you’ve just five months.”

    At home that evening, she grabbed her laptop and expressed her frustrations on social media. This was futile, but she did feel a little better afterwards. Responses to her posts were few and far between, so she was surprised to see one from an outfit calling itself Doppelgänger Solutions.

    It said, “Overworked and undervalued? Our innovative services solve your problems at a stroke. Divide yourself at will! Discover our modest charges, considering what we offer. Contact the following for a free appointment.”

~

    “I don’t like it one little bit,” announced her husband Tom, when Diane told him about it.

    “Why not? I could at least check it out. If it’s flaky, I won’t do it.’

    “Expensive too. But I know life is being difficult for you, and..”

    “I’m going to do it, Tom. At least, I’ll check it out. OK?”

“    Yes – fine!” Tom tried to shrug off the reluctance that he knew his wife would detect in his body language. “By the way, I don’t want to be with your doppelgänger! Only you. Promise?”

    “Why? If exactly like me – then, for all intents and purposes, she is me, surely.”

    “No way! The very idea of being with you but suspecting or even knowing that there’s another you somewhere else – not talking to or listening to me! Promise that this won’t happen.”

    “Promise!” Diane said.

~

    “You attend at HQ for a painless scan. It takes around an hour!”

    Diane was having a video call with Doppelgänger Solutions.

    “Sorry. Very tired. You’ve already explained it all but I need to hear it again. I’m not understanding any of this yet.”

    “Basically, Dr MacDonald, we enable you to divide yourself into two Alters and hence work much more productively. Avoid that tiresome and time-consuming meeting? Fine. Send an Alter, while you concentrate on your personal priorities. In due course, your Alter reports back and merges. A win win situation.”

    “So I remain me, and my doppelgänger does the tedious stuff. Then, it feeds back all that it has done and experienced?”

    “That’s right. No one seeing your Alter will know that she’s not you. And -a word of advice. Don’t get into the habit of referring to your Alter as ‘it’. Remember, she will really be you, for all intents and purposes.”

    “Suppose someone finds out. They might feel cheated – that they’ve not had the real me.”

    “Possible, of course. So take good care to avoid that.”

    “Yet your service is open to the public. Anyone could see your message to me. Doppelgänger stories might well be believed.”

    “Well – no one else could see our message to you. You were the exclusive recipient. Anyhow, our wording gave little away.”

    “And if my Alter is incompetent, or hurts someone, or whatever, I’m accountable?”

    “Yes – indeed. But this shouldn’t be a problem. It is, for all intents and purposes, going to be you carrying out the unloved task. So you won’t do anything bad for which you could be held responsible!”

    “My Alter will think and behave exactly as I would?”

    “Yes – of course.”

    “Why do you talk of Alters? In multiple personality disorder,  one Alter differs from another -they are distinct persons. One might be aggressive, while another is peaceful and kind. That’s precisely not what you are offering me.”

    “Fair point. Up to now we’ve failed to come up with a better term.”

    “If my Alter had some dental or medical treatment, could she bequeath the effects to me on merging?”

    There was a slight pause before the Doppelgänger salesman replied. “Yes – it can work perfectly. I’m hesitating just a little – wanting to be straight with you. Your Alter might well be apprehensive about forthcoming medical procedures, just as you might be yourself, so..”

    “So what? Surely, my Alter must do as she is told – otherwise this just won’t work.”

    “Yes – yes – indeed. Some of our existing clients have even delegated essential surgery, and it’s just fine.”

    “But this is part of what I don’t get. If I don’t want to do something, then neither will my Alter. What..?”

    “Your Alter has to do what you want. You’re the host.”

    “If you say so. Still a bit confused, to be honest. Can I have a few minutes to think this over? I’m impressed, but it’s really radical...”

    “As long as you like! Our advertised prices will remain the same. We never pressurise potential customers.”

    Diane sat in the foyer in an extremely comfortable chair and contemplated her lot. Suppose her Alter did half her teaching. Could she also do the preparation? If so, this could make a real difference. Doppelgängers were pretty expensive, but work was so horrible at the moment that she would try almost anything. And, come to think of it, she needed a wisdom tooth extracted. Then there was that varicose vein treatment. All at once, she came to a decision.

    “Excellent to have you on board, Dr MacDonald. We’re confident that you will be delighted with our services. Your scan appointment – let me see. Friday evening? We try to offer times outside normal working hours.”

    “Yes. Friday evening – say 7.30 pm? Not too late?”

    “No problem at all. The scan takes about three quarters of an hour. Eat and drink what you like beforehand – but the scan can’t be interrupted, so ensure you can be comfortable for that long. Any problems with being still for that period –  medications that we should know about?”

    “No – that’s great. Thank you so much.”

~

    The anonymous entrance to Doppelgänger Solutions was a front door in a terrace situated in one of the town’s industrial estates. Diane was a little apprehensive about the scan. It sounded like an MRI – she’d never had one but one or two of her friends and relations had. They had shared their experiences in rather tiresome detail.

    She was confused by the décor. Many of the walls consisted of high quality mirrors. She failed to see their point, since mirrors reversed the viewer’s image, while Alters were supposed to be absolutely identical.

    Diane did not suffer from claustrophobia. Consequently, she was able to relax as she slid into the scanner tunnel. She remained totally still while every single part of her body was in turn subjected to a very faint tingling sensation. Finally she slid out into the bright lights of the laboratory and blinked as she struggled to open her eyes.

    “Well – what’s happened,” she asked nervously. “I can’t see anything. Has it failed?”

    A white-coated technician smiled at her, but seemed to be slightly distracted as he checked his display.

    “All is fine,” he responded. “Your eyes will soon adjust. Come into our briefing office and we will explain how it all works.”

    Nevertheless, he was puzzled by a tiny gap in the visual record of her brain scan – a random glitch, he assumed, with no effect on doppelgänger quality. All the same, even the tiniest anomaly in the scanning was worthy of note. The problem should be reported,  the scan results destroyed, the customer advised, and a fresh scan carried out. But he did not want to raise a dust. If he did, his manager would be less than pleased. For a start, a new appointment for the client would have to be made. That might even provoke her into withdrawing her custom and would eat into the budget. He decided to ignore his unease and those tiresome pangs of conscience.

    “Here’s your remote, Dr MacDonald. “It’s very simple. The green button immediately constructs an Alter- active for up to forty-eight hours. If she’s not returned to you by that time, she will appear to die wherever she happens to be. Best to avoid that, or you could be in for some troublesome consequences, and Doppelgänger Solutions will accept no responsibility for them. You must agree to to these constraints before we finalise your contract. Incidentally, you must also accept a non-disclosure agreement. We don’t want inside details of our operations broadcast, and will prosecute anyone who does. Yes – we are able to pursue legal actions behind closed doors. Yes- we can easily discover just which of our customers is offending.“

    Diane said, “I suppose – yes, alright. I’ll sign. Forty-eight hours is ample – most of what I’d want my Alter to do would not take more than three hours at the most. As for publicity – it’s totally against my interests to be open so….”

    “Sign here, then – and we hope you enjoy our services.”

    “Another thing. Suppose I need to recall an Alter in some kind of emergency. How can this be done? Do I need to give my Alter reasons, somehow?”

    “No – no Dr MacDonald. Of course not.”

    “But how does an Alter return in such a situation?”

    “She makes excuses wherever she is in just as you would. And when she merges with you, you will be clear about what she has said and done.”

    “Can she decide off her own bat that she needs to contact me – to make a quick return, for instance?”

    “Yes – definitely. Your remote for operating your Alters also acts as a mobile phone. Its contact list is of course restricted to you and any of your Alters, who carry compatible mobiles.”

    "Now finally, before I go, I’d like to experiment. Check that everything is in order, though I’m sure it is.”

    The technician said, without much enthusiasm, “That’s fine, Dr MacDonald. Go ahead and press that green button. It takes about twenty seconds to work. No voice activation – apologies about that – but perhaps you can understand this restriction!”

    Diane felt quite tense as she fumbled with the remote and  searched for the green button. She pressed it decisively and waited. A voice from the remote said, “Alter activated – fifteen seconds until Alter instantiation.”

    She felt a sudden pressure on her ears as her Alter appeared,  wearing identical clothes, and looking over at her with an enigmatic expression.

    Diane wanted to hear some speech. “Say something. What should I call you?”

    “Diane Beta.”

    “Why Beta?”

    “Because you are Alpha, of course. With more Alters at one and the same time, use more of the Greek alphabet.”

    “So you are not exactly the same as me despite what Doppelgänger Solutions claims.”

    “All Alters come with default Doppelgänger Solutions facts about Alters– otherwise, Diane, I really am you!”

    Diane began to find the whole thing quite stressful, and decided to end it.

    “So, Diane Beta, it’s fine for you to know one or two things at a time when I don’t. Not a perfect copy, then. Anyway, how do we merge now?”

    “The Alter must be within 20 yards. Just press the red button. Do it now, if you wish.”

    Diane complied. Her Beta moved towards her. There was a brief tingling sensation, and she vanished. Diane found that she now had a brief episodic memory of seeing herself from the other side of the room – this was, of course, her Beta’s very short experience of being activated. She also caught a fleeting glimpse of some emotion from Diana Beta’s point of view -it was somehow disquieting. However, Diane Beta just was Diane, so Diane decided that she must be being over-sensitive.

    “Right, then, Dr MacDonald. Our next customer has an appointment in a couple of minutes. So good-bye for now. Don’t hesitate to contact us if necessary.”

    The white-coated technician waved Diane to the door in a fairly determined fashion. Diane obliged, and made a swift exit. She needed to think carefully at home about her new situation. It was a lot to take in. She did not grudge the cost, but there was something unsettling about it. She put this down to fatigue.

    Once home, she began to look through her diary for the next week or so. Which tasks could she assign to Diane Beta, or even to Beta and Gamma?  Of course! The Board of Studies Meeting. The threat of Department closure. Discussion would be pointless, but that would not stop some of her colleagues. Chairs often seemed powerless to bring these meetings to a close.

~

Meanwhile, back in Doppelgänger Solutions  headquarters, two employees were talking.

    “Fred? I was just checking Dr MacDonald’s scan. Didn’t you notice?”

    “What do you mean?”

    “Oh -come on. You know! There’s a clear fault. You should flagged it up..”

    “You’re pleased that I didn’t, Phil. It would have been your bonus under threat too. And a note on our files.”

    “But – this could be serious. Never happened before.”

    “I don’t think it’s critical. Only a tiny little anomaly. Anyhow, we tested out the Alter. No problem at all. Stop fussing.”

    They continued to tidy up before closing for the day. No more words were exchanged, and Phil began to look forward to his evening meal.

~

    “As colleagues can see, today’s main agenda item is the possible closure of our Department.”

    “Madam Chair.. I brought this up last time and was fobbed off. It comes first.”

“What, Professor Dent?”

    “The dress codes for formal dinners. The next is only a week away.”

    Diane Beta waved her hand urgently. “Surely, Madam Chair, we should take our main agenda item immediately.. it’s why this meeting was called, after all.”

    She was interrupted by Professor Dent.

    “I’m sorry, Madam Chair, but I insist on the formal dress issue before anything else. This Board is still supposed to be democratic, and the way the formal dress issue was dealt with last time was disgraceful.”

    Two hours later, they were discussing whether the men should be required to wear black ties. Female apparel had not yet even been mentioned. Diane Beta felt an almost overwhelming urge to rise from her seat, walk round to Professor Dent and slap him. Because this might end her employment even sooner than the closure of her department, she nodded apologetically to the Chair, stepped outside and put in an urgent call to Diane.

    “I’m about to do something that you/we would seriously regret. I need to return before it is too late.”

~

Once Diane had assimilated her Beta’s Board of Studies experiences, she felt a faint frisson of unease. Slapping Professor Dent? Both ridiculous and quite dangerous. It really was her at the meeting, so she would have to accept that had she been there, she would have felt precisely the same. So why was it so difficult to digest? She would report this to Doppelgänger Solutions at her monthly review.

    After only a few days, she felt a very strong need for Diane Beta once more. She had decided to buy a new car. Her existing vehicle was triggering increasingly insane repair bills.  The thought of spending time online investigating cars and then devoting more time down at the local car retailer was unwelcome. In any case, she had to tackle those research papers.  She consigned her Alter to the nearest car showroom.

~

    “Coffee, Mrs MacDonald? Biscuit? Do sit down!”

    The salesman oozed unattractive positivity, with the promise of much more to come.

    “A woman with your education and tastes would appreciate this one,” he said, pointing to a bright red car. He was, of course, ignorant of Diane’s background.

    Diane Beta said, “Look – I’m a busy person – could you just tell me the available colours and delivery times for the model I said I wanted.”

    “Of course, of course, Mrs MacDonald. Perhaps a coffee now? Then, after that, well.. we have a fantastic deal on the next model up..” He hesitated, as perhaps sensing something unfriendly in Diane’s body language. However, he still ploughed on. “You are obviously one of our more discerning customers.”

    Diane Beta felt a sudden wave of fury. She was close to rising from her seat and actually swearing at the man. This, of course echoed her earlier experience with Professor Dent, but was now much more intense. Without further words she left the showroom and returned to her host.

    Diane was at her desk pursuing some intricate statistics when the door opened and Diane Beta appeared.

    “I don’t understand!” Diane protested, as her Beta moved towards her with the clear intention of merging.

    “Well –you’ll be glad that I’m back – otherwise I might have assaulted someone in the car showroom, and you’d be blamed.” With that, Diane Beta took a couple of steps and merged.

    The degree of autonomy that her Beta was exercising was disturbing. The red button had proved redundant. But surely that was not supposed to happen! Doppelgänger Solutions should have been clearer about this. Had she understood fully, would she have still signed up for their services? At the same time, she could see that her Beta was very much being her – she would have been both tempted to swear at the salesman, and, of course to have refrained. Meanwhile, she was no further forward with replacing her car!

~

One evening she was very tempted to go with friends to a Mozart opera, but her studies had reached a crucial point. Dan and Mary would be disappointed – even a little offended, were she to cry off with a work-related excuse. They would wonder why she had accepted their invitation in the first place. As usual, Tom had made his apologies from the start, though he was not particularly apologetic.

    “No shrieking women, thanks,” was his kindly comment on the project. Accordingly, Diane Beta was summoned once more. She would go to the opera, while Diane Alpha worked on her research papers.

    Only a few minutes into the performance, Diane Beta began to hear people behind her joining in the arias. Unsurprisingly, their performances did not quite match those of the singers on the stage. She felt increasingly angry, but told herself not to turn round and snarl. It was their way of enjoying their evening out.

    For some reason there was an appreciable pause after the second scene. One of the women behind began to tell her friend about her husband’s prostate operation, in more detail, Diane Beta felt, than she could possibly have known without being next to the surgeon. She wanted to block her ears, but feared that this might look aggressively pointed.

    The next scene commenced, and Diane Beta awaited the inevitable aria participation. It did not happen. Instead, the prostate narrative continued in a penetrating whisper. Overcome by an irresistible impulse, she rose to her feet, turned round, slapped the speaker hard and said in a low yet penetrating voice, “Will you please be quiet!”

    She felt extreme shame immediately, as her victim struggled past the people in the rest of her row and left the hall. As she followed, hoping to catch the prostate chronicler and apologise, many stared in amazement. Ideally, she would return and at least say sorry to Dan and Mary. However, she could not face returning to her seat, so she swiftly made her way home.

    Diane lifted her head from her computer screen and stared at her Alter in bewilderment as she burst into the room and began to explain her premature return.

    Diane protested, “Diane Beta! I would never have done that.”

    “Yes you would. Because you are me.”

    “No – I really wouldn’t. I’m going to contact Doppelgänger Solutions about this.”

    “I don’t think you will,” Diane Beta said in what was almost a threatening tone, fixing her host with a steely expression. “I could make life quite difficult for you. Just let sleeping dogs lie, and all will be fine.”  With that, she moved forward and merged. Once again, the red button proved unnecessary. Diane ran through the opera memories and shivered uncontrollably. She found her husband and began to tell him the story.

    He made no pretence of listening to her properly. “I never liked this idea. Now you are making it worse with your ridiculous fantasies. Just leave it, will you!”

~

Diane immediately made an appointment with Doppelgänger Solutions.

    As she explained what had been happening, she grew increasingly agitated when she realised that they did not seem to be taking her seriously.

     “You aren’t paying me proper attention,” she said. “I’m telling you that Diane Beta tried to intimidate me just before merging.”

    “I’m sorry, Dr MacDonald- quite impossible. Your Alter just is you. You don’t threaten yourself, do you?”

    Diane tried to listen and respond politely.

    “Look! Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I resolve to do better at something but my resolve falters or even fails outright. So how does the behaviour of Alters fit into these possibilities? The divided self, as someone once put it?”

    “It’s fine, Dr MacDonald. You are overthinking it. There are bound to be a few teething problems. From what you’ve told us, there is absolutely nothing to worry about.”

    “Yet Diane Beta takes far more initiative than you gave me to expect!”

    “Please calm down! Now you know what she did in that situation, you realise that you would have done exactly the same. So what are you complaining about? Sorry, Dr MacDonald, but everything seems to be as it should be. Nothing that isn’t specified in your contract. But.. any problems – do let us know. Good-bye for now.”

    Diane found herself being escorted to the main door quite unceremoniously. She went home, still quite angry.

    A few days passed. The size of the Doppelgänger fees began to prey on her mind. It was time she was seeing more bang for her buck. She kept telling herself that it was still early days. Naturally, the enterprise was proving a challenge. However, she should be able to deal with it.

    One morning, to afford herself a quiet morning entirely devoted to those research papers, she materialised Diane Beta once again. The latter’s role was to be some housework and answering the door in particular. Her study was at the back of the house and scarcely visible even from the garden, so there was no danger of discovery.

    After an hour or so the door-bell rang. Diane Beta quickly responded after a couple of rings.

    “Good morning!” She was confronted by two smartly dressed young men, both of whom wore ingratiating smiles. “We represent the Restoration Party. We hope for your vote on Thursday.” They brandished their lanyards, which certainly appeared to be genuine, showing convincing images of each of them, together with names and party designations.

    “Sorry, gentlemen. I have no idea what your party stands for. I’m often too busy to pay much attention to politics. What are you trying to restore? There must be many possibilities!”

    “We want to return the country to what it was decades ago – to make it great again.”

    “Ooh- I like the sound of that. But what exactly are you saying?” Even as she spoke, Diane Beta felt an inner struggle. Part of her was not at all happy with what she had just heard. Yet now she began to find herself saying things that she would never have imagined she could possibly mean.

    “Too many ‘enrichers’. We are being swamped. We want our country back.”

    “And?”

    “The government does nothing. So we are going to ‘encourage’ those we believe don’t belong here to return to where they came from.”

    “Encourage?”

    “No actual violence, of course, though we wouldn’t blame some of our frustrated fellow citizens for going further. We discover where these intruders are currently living – often infesting accommodation that should be used by our own.. and make their lives as unpleasant as possible – until they leave. It’s manpower intensive, so at the moment we are engaged in an active recruitment drive. That’s why we’re here.”

    “Count me in, then,” Diane Beta exclaimed enthusiastically. At the same time, she felt a wave of nausea overcome her, together with a desperate urge to merge with her host and return to what at least part of her still thought of as sanity and a healthy outlook on life.

~

    When Diane had finished her work for the day and called her Alter to merge,  the process was curiously uncomfortable. She could not put her finger on the cause. It might be something to do with her Beta’s conversations on the doorstep with a couple of callers, but her memories were unclear – that itself being unusual.

    On the following day she decided to spend the morning teaching and the afternoon writing. During this time, she would put  Doppelgänger Solutions out of her mind and concentrate on just being herself. She really needed a rest from it all.     However, as the afternoon wore on she began to feel a strong inclination to trigger Diane Beta, though she had no tasks for her. After a while, she felt unable to resist any longer. Diane Beta was only in the room for a moment. She smiled at her host, and waved good-bye as she made for the front door.

    "Just getting some fresh air. Might be two or three hours. You don’t mind, do you?”

    “No – not at all. You go,” Diane responded, while at the same time finding something extremely odd about the exchange. Yet she could think of no reason to deny her Alter some fresh air.

    Several hours later, Diane Beta returned, smiling with satisfaction, and without a word merged with her host. Diane was very disconcerted when unable to access her Beta’s experiences. There was simply a blank where memories should have been – as if her Alter had been asleep all the time. She tried to contact Doppelgänger Solutions, but gained no response. They must know who was trying to call. She feared they were blocking her.

    In the evening, she watched the TV news with her husband. Reports included a prominent item on demonstrations carried out by a far right group calling themselves the Restoration Party. They were targeting a large number of ethnic minorities living in the nearby town. Scenes of crying children, graffiti and damaged property were mixed with shots of triumphant demonstrators, none of whom had bothered to disguise themselves. Police were milling around ineffectively.

    Suddenly, Tom grabbed Diane’s arm and pointed. “Hey – that woman looks exactly like you. In fact.. it is you. But you’ve been here all the time. You haven’t created any Alters today, surely. And why would you be there, doing that? Really nasty.” He peered closely at Diane’s stricken face. “No – OK – it wasn’t you, of course. Amazing resemblance, though. I hope the police don’t come here to arrest you. I can give you an alibi, of course.” He laughed nervously.

    In the middle of the night, Diane awoke suddenly, her heart beating furiously. She lay motionless for a few moments, wondering what had disturbed her. Then, overcome by an inexplicable urge she materialised Diane Beta. With an unfathomable expression the latter contemplated Diane Alpha still lying on her bed beside her sleeping husband. Then the Alter took out a mobile phone and whispered into it. Like a zombie, Diane sat up slowly, put her feet on the floor and walked towards Diane Beta. She had not operated that crucial red button, but, nevertheless a merge took place. Diane Beta gave a little smile of private satisfaction and went over to the bed, where she lay down beside Diane’s husband and gazed at his face. Had Tom awakened, he would have seen his wife looking at him in a way that she had never done before.  He remained fast asleep. She began to dream of a long life. That awful 48 hour limit no longer applied. The thought transformed her whole being. She was the host now! She dozed peacefully for a while.

    After an hour or so she surfaced, wondering whether a husband was really a good idea any longer. It would be so easy to do something to him while he slept, but there would be unwelcome consequences for her if she did. No – she must find a different way. She slipped out of bed, and went downstairs to the computer to access their bank account. Money would be needed to find somewhere else to live. She created a new personal account and moved a substantial sum into it from their shared savings. The thought of Tom was beginning to nauseate her, so the sooner she was away from him the better. Before she went, perhaps she could allow herself to damage him a little. Nothing drastic – it needed to be something that could have happened by accident. She moved into the kitchen, eyed the various appliances and contemplated a range of possibilities with some enthusiasm.